does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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