Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
