2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
