I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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