if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
