just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
