I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize