did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize