She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
