gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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