Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
