we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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