I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She needs sedatives and a leash
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize