I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
