I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
