So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize