Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
