why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
