i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
