I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
