for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
