Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
