2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
