Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
