I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
