I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
