Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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