Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
