guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
