In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
