a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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