i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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