I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
