I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
