why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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