So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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