On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
