Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
