She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
two words: eviction party
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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