the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
