if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
