Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I need to sanitize my soul.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize