Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
