Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
