They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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