college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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