I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
pop tarts are not kleenex
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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