No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
