I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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