peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
