So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
