don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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