I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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