turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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