I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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