you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
