woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
