So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He? As in you personified your dick?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
